My SUV and Me

(from the CD Stark Raving Songs)

I bought myself an SUV of chrome and glass and steel
I loved the way it made me look and how it made me feel
I drove it round the block to give my neighbors time to see
My vision of perfection, my SUV and me
Some were so consumed with envy they were turning green
Mine was the biggest SUV that they had ever seen.

I'd got the Mega Magnum El Supremo Model Four
With thirteen-hundred windows and sixty-seven doors
It had a rocket powered engine that could lift a jumbo jet
The most expensive ever made, the best that I could get
It had a thousand-gallon fuel tank and supersonic style
On a single tank of gasoline it could almost get ten miles.

It had more lights than Las Vegas, it was something to behold
It had antennas waving everywhere and bumpers made of gold
It had web cams mounted all around, pointing in and out
Filming me from my best angles as I drove myself about
With a two-foot thick cast iron chassis it was solid as a rock
Side to side and front to back it took up the entire block.

It had a missile launching unit in a shockproof concrete shell
It had radar; it had sonar; and a cocktail bar as well
It had an outside elevator, you couldn't help but stare
It had so much there was no need for going anywhere
I parked in front of my house, surrounded by the crowd
I leaned upon the horn and started honking long and loud.

My neighbor Jim drove over in his measly Model Three
Staring out in shock and awe at my Model Four and me
It towered there beside me; it made me feel so proud
Tires on the street and roof rack in the clouds
I ran inside and kissed my wife and grabbed my youngest son
I dragged him out to show him but he cried and tried to run.

I was the master of the Universe, my moment had arrived
I was the champion of the steering wheel and glad to be alive
I was the lord of the driveway and every living thing
And I could see that Jim was on the brink of finally giving in
He'd bought the one, I'd bought the two and now I had the winning score
His Model Three had left him bankrupt and I'd got the Model Four!

Next day I woke up feeling good but then I nearly died
He'd got the New Gigaxus Maxus Matrix Model Five!
It blocked out half the sky; but an even greater shame
Was that immediately it took from me my major claim to fame
But things got even worse when I lost my job on Wall Street
And overnight the world I lived in wasn't all that sweet.

Without that job of mine, life wasn't quite so swell
Then Jim called up and sadly said he'd lost his job as well
We couldn't keep our SUVs supplied with gasoline
We couldn't rent the fire trucks we used to keep them clean
We couldn't make the payments, we felt like we were fools
We couldn't afford to drive the kids the hundred yards to school.

We were desperate men and something needed to be done
With my dirty Tweedledee and his filthy Tweedledum
So we put our heads together and we came up with a plan
We drove to a deserted beach and out onto the sand
Into the waves and out to sea along the ocean floor
Then we switched them into cruise control and we swam back to shore.

We watched them going further out, we hollered and we cheered
As they kept going deeper until they totally disappeared
We wandered home and went to bed and we fell fast asleep
Feeling good about the world and finally at peace
We collected our insurance money, God what a relief
And the fishes in the ocean got two high-rise
Top prize, king-size coral reefs.