All the Amateur Doctors

(from the CD Songs from the Bright Side)

I feel like a gigolo
Working in a cheap casino
I keep telling these women
I can make their pain disappear
They take me to bed
They say please be Rudolf Valentino
They wake up in the rain
With Rudolf the Red Nose Deer.

All the amateur doctors
And the broken down men
Are waiting in line
To serve you again
I'm just standing around
Serving my time
Just because I'm still standing
Don't assume I'm standing in line.

Maybe they secretly thought
I was Vincent van Golf Ball
Maybe they thought I was Jesus
From outer space
I'm not dark, I'm not handsome
And I'm not tall
I think I can honestly say
That I'm a total disgrace.

All the amateur doctors
And the broken down men
Are driving themselves
Into a frenzy again
I'm crying out loud
There's nothing else I can do
Just because I'm crying
Don't assume I'm crying to you.

I begged for my banana
Like a natural chimpanzee
I bought perfume by the barrel
I did the tango on my knees
I spent a hundred million dollars
On a thousand teenage girls
I'm in the Guinness book of records as
The weariest man in the whole wide world.

I told the love of my life
I was Lawrence of Nevada
I get lonesome
I get horny on the trail
She thought if she teased me
I'd get even harder
Like a truly pathetic
Modern American male.

All the amateur doctors
And the broken down men
Are trying to pretend
You're a woman again
I know that I'm wounded
I can't pretend anymore
Just because I'm wounded
Don't assume you've won the war.